


Unconditional

by FaygoMayhem



Series: Love Is Whatever You Make It To Be [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, Dissociation, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Metal bands, Musicians, sappy romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-04 04:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18336455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaygoMayhem/pseuds/FaygoMayhem
Summary: Demyx is madly in love with his boyfriend Ienzo. The problem is that he doesn't know exactly what Ienzo gets out of their relationship or if he even loves him back.Ienzo would very much like to give Demyx an answer, but first he needs to figure out how to quantify a feeling in order to find out if it's large enough to be considered 'love'.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This author's note is the same for the first chapter of all three parts of the series.
> 
> Welcome. As some may have noticed, the fic I posted a few days ago under the same title as the name of this series has been deleted and is now split into three separate works. There were many reasons I made this decision, but ultimately it was because the experimental style wasn't working and I felt the individual stories were suffering for it. Splitting them up gives me more freedom to flesh out certain sections and the chance to present each story properly.
> 
> The first two chapters of each story in the series are re-posts from the previous work that are largely unchanged except for a few minor edits. The interlude sections have been worked in to the story they belonged with and are no longer singled out. They will update in order within a few days of each other at the most.
> 
> Most importantly, it is not necessary to read the other parts in order to understand each individual story. Characters and events from the other parts will be referenced, but the information is all supplemental. Also, all the characters have been aged into their 20's.
> 
> Before this note gets way too long, let's get on with it.

“Demyx, turn that racket down, I need to concentrate,” an irritated voice shouts from the top of the basement stairs.

Demyx perks up and shuts off the audio program on his computer that had been blasting the raw sound recording of his band's newest track at full volume. He hadn’t even known Ienzo was home. Smiling, he gets up from his chair and takes a moment to stretch before bounding up the stairs and following the retreating form of his boyfriend into his small study.

The room is a wreck. Papers of complex mathematical equations and scientific formulas that go way over his head are scattered all over the floor and across the top of his desk, open books cover every conceivable flat surface, and angry squiggles are drawn over the figures on the whiteboard that must have offended Ienzo somehow.

It must have been another bad day, Ienzo rarely lets any part of the house get like this.

“Hey,” Demyx says softly from the doorway as Ienzo takes a seat at his desk. He looks so tired. The eye Demyx can see is ringed in black, and the silvery-blue curtain of hair covering the rest of his face is frazzled. 

“Hello,” his boyfriend looks at him blankly for a second, like he’s trying to puzzle out who would have the nerve to talk to him in his sacred space, before turning his attention back to his work.

“I didn’t hear you get in, you been home long?” Demyx wanders into the room and studies the whiteboard like he actually had some inkling of hope in figuring out what exactly Ienzo was doing that was throwing him into such a fit.

“About twenty minutes.”

So Ienzo had actually left the house with the study looking like this? The white coats at his lab must have been really running him ragged, he was long overdue for a break. Demyx crosses the room and walks behind the chair to drape himself over the shorter man’s shoulders. Ienzo stiffens a little, but doesn’t throw him off.

“I missed you,” the taller blonde coos into his boyfriend’s ear, nuzzling his cheek with his nose.

Ienzo sighs, he sounds so tired, “Demyx, I’m very busy at the moment.”

“I know,” he gives the man in his arms another short squeeze before pulling away, “I just wanted to see you for a minute. You’ve been like a ghost around here the past few weeks, how’s the project coming?”

“I believe we’re nearing a breakthrough. Even has been adamant that we clear the final hurdle and produce some real results before the board meeting two months from now,” Ienzo sighs again, rubbing his visible eye. 

Demyx scowls, “Just because that guy doesn’t have a life doesn’t mean he can run the rest of you into the ground.”

Ienzo laughs dryly, “Try telling him that.”

 “Guess I’ll leave you to it then, don’t work too hard,” Demyx leans down and places a soft kiss at Ienzo’s temple and gets a small, grateful, smile in return. He walks to the door but turns back just before leaving, “We’re still on for next Friday, right?”

His boyfriend gives him another blank look, cocking his head to the side, “Next Friday?”

Demyx slumps his shoulders and his face falls, “Our anniversary.”

“Oh. I’m sorry Demyx it completely slipped my mind, I can’t even find my calendar in this disaster. I’ll be sure to tell Even that I’ll be unavailable for the evening,” Ienzo scribbles a note on a random piece of scattered paper and slips it into his pocket.

“Ok,” Demyx forces a smile back on his face and walks out of the room.

He really tried not to get too upset, but the hurt just wouldn’t go away. Ienzo didn’t really care for sentimental celebrations like birthdays and anniversaries, and he knew that, but still….this was the first time he’d actually forgotten. It wasn’t like this was the first thing he’d put aside recently to focus on work either.

He’d missed the debut performance of Nightmare Requiem’s new drummer, which he couldn’t even really be that mad about because he knew the music gave Ienzo headaches. He’d missed Axel’s 26th birthday, which was fine because they didn’t like each other anyway. He’d ‘rescheduled’ their annual pre-summer beach trip to some unknown date in the far future, supposedly to avoid the tourists but Demyx knew it was because he’d been slaving in the labs so long he couldn’t stand the sunshine.

Forgetting about their anniversary though, that one he just couldn’t let go.

He went back to his basement lair and put his headphones on to try and continue mixing the song he’d been working on when Ienzo had interrupted, but his concentration was shot. Frustrated, he snatches up his phone to dial up Axel and is surprised to see that he already has about three missed calls from him, even though he’d only been upstairs a few minutes.

“ _Dem help, I think I’m in love_ ,” Axel answers on the second ring, not even bothering with a greeting.

Demyx leans back in his chair and laughs at his dramatic whining, “I know you’re in love, idiot.”

Axel goes very quiet on the line for a second before mumbling, “ _I’m not talking about Isa_.”

“WHAT?” he screams into the phone before remembering Ienzo upstairs and calming himself down, “Explain, now.”

For the next hour Axel talks his ear off about the ‘cute, funny, adorable, amazing, smart, hot, talented, tasteful, did I say hot?’ guy he’d met at the game convention yesterday that he hadn’t been able to get a ticket for. Demyx listens patiently, then eloquently responds with, ”Dude.”

“ _I know Dem, I know_ ,” Axel sounds conflicted, and it’s easy to imagine him pacing around the room and gesturing with his lanky arms as he tries to explain, “ _I just….I’ve never felt like this before, and you know Isa and I have been on the rocks for a while now._ ”

Demyx frowns, “That isn’t an excuse to do something stupid.”

“ _I know, but I’m going crazy! I don’t know how you stand it. It’s only been like three months for me but for you it’s what? A year?_ ”

“Ten months,” not that he was counting, “and it’s not that hard. You’ve got hands.”

“ _Have you ever considered maybe finding yourself a boyfriend that actually, ya know, likes you_?”

Demyx winces. It had been a running joke between them for years that Ienzo only kept him around for the entertainment, but these days it was starting to strike closer to home than it ever had before. “Don’t change the subject, asshole. What are you going to do?”

Axel groans into the phone, “ _Nothing Dem, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going to say goodbye to Roxas tomorrow, jerk off for about two hours, then go home to Isa like nothing ever happened._ ”

“Good boy,” he laughs into the phone and shakes his head. At least the one thing he never had to worry about regarding Ienzo was being cheated on. He wasn’t exactly in a position to lecture Axel or give him romantic advice so he changes the subject,  “Did you hear Vanitas pulled through and got us a gig in a few weeks?”

“ _That weirdo can act like a human? I’m impressed._ ”

Vanitas was a recent addition to their fledgling garage band. He’d joined a few months ago when their old drummer, Larxene, quit to chase some pretty boy halfway across the world. The guy could barely string together a sentence that wasn’t riddled with insults and vitriol, but damn could he knock the shit out of a drum set.

“Impressed enough to actually listen the next time he tries giving you advice on your lyrics?” Demyx smirks, already expecting the answer.

“ _Not a chance_ ,” they laugh and Demyx can hear the soft ‘thud’ of Axel flopping back on his hotel bed,” _So, what are you and Ienzo up to next week? He gonna write you another research paper on the complexity of the human heart?_ ”

Axel’s mocking laughter echoes in his ear and Demyx’s good mood plummets again. The wound was even more raw now that Axel had remembered what his boyfriend didn’t, “I dunno. He kinda forgot.”

“ _He forgot?!? Jeez Dem, you’ve got to say something to him, he’s been ignoring you more than usual for months_ ,” As Axel scolds him Demyx slumps in his chair.

“I know, but I don’t want to bother him too much. He’s just really busy right now. Once the project’s done he’ll have more time.” Demyx had been telling himself that for months, but somehow it was starting to lose its effect.

“ _Until there’s a new project,”_ they’re both silent for a moment, _“I know you love the guy for whatever reason Dem, but I don’t think he’d give a shit if you vanished off the face of the Earth tomorrow. He might not even notice._ ”

“Sure he would, there’d be no noise in his garage,” it wasn’t exactly comforting, but it was true.

Demyx chuckles and Axel sighs, knowing once again he wasn’t going to get anywhere, “ _Whatever, it’s your life_.”

“You know I love that you worry about me, ya big softie, but I’m alright. This phase will blow over just like the time when he wanted me to start submitting written requests for intimacy,” that had been an experience, he shudders at the memory, “He’s come a long way.”

“ _If you say so…,”_ Axel trails off, _“Listen Dem I gotta run. Meeting Roxas tomorrow for an early breakfast before we check out all the closing panels in the exhibition hall._ ”

“Be careful Axel. Try not to burn yourself too badly,” he knew his friend would do whatever he felt like regardless, but at now he could at least say that he’d warned him.

“ _Yeah, Yeah. Later_ ,” Axel hangs up and Demyx slams his forehead on his desk.

He hates it when his friend is right.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“ _I’m thinking ‘bout hooow—people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand_ ,” Demyx sings along with the radio as he bustles about the kitchen, chopping vegetables and adding seasonings to the simmering pot on the stove. He may be a metalhead at heart, but there was nothing wrong with a sappy romantic song every now and again to set the mood.

His soup was coming along nicely, and the delicious smells of boiling chicken broth and freshly baked bread were starting to make his stomach rumble. Yeah, it might have been the start of summer and completely out of season for soup-making, but homemade chicken soup was Ienzo’s favorite. After the weeks and weeks he’d spent eating nothing but microwave noodles and whatever garbage take-out his fellow lab rats managed to splurge on, he deserved something he might actually like.

He keeps humming along with the song as he drifts into the living room for what must be the twentieth time to make sure everything still looks perfect for when his boyfriend walks through the door. Spotless house? Check. Perfect tableware placement? Check. Small bouquet of pink, red, and white carnations, stems cut just low enough so they’d be able to see each other across the table? Check. Flitting back into the kitchen, he pulls his freshly-baked bread bowls out of the oven and sets them aside to cool for a little bit.

Everything was coming out great, all that was missing was Ienzo.

At six o’ clock on the dot Demyx hears the front door open. He drops the wooden spoon he was using to stir the soup into the pot and rushes into the front room to greet his boyfriend. Ienzo still looks very tired, but there’s a smile on his face as he looks around the room and sees everything Demyx had done to make the day special for him.

“Happy Anniversary Babe,” Demyx beams as he strolls across the room to wrap Ienzo in his arms and kiss his cheek.

 Ienzo returns the hug a little awkwardly then pulls away, sniffing the air, “Is that chicken soup I smell?”

“Only the best,” Demyx grins at Ienzo’s excited face. He loved it when his boyfriend acted like himself instead of the perfectly mature and put together person he had to pretend to be in order to be taken seriously.

“Wonderful, I’ll go wash up,” Ienzo flashes the pleased, closed-eye, smile that Demyx will never get tired of seeing on his adorable face. While he’s in the back getting himself cleaned up Demyx goes back into the kitchen to put the last little touches on his dinner and bring it to their small dining room table.

Ienzo comes back just as he’s finished symmetrically arranging the food, wine, and water glasses, now dressed comfortably in a dark grey sweater that’s just a little too big on him and plain black pants. He’s holding something large behind his back and nervously shifts his feet as Demyx turns around.

“Before we begin, would you join me in the sitting room a moment? I have something for you,” Ienzo asks softly. He rarely sounds so unsure of himself and Demyx’s interest is piqued. He bounces into the living room and sits on the couch making grabby hands toward his boyfriend like a child at Christmas.

Ienzo smiles at him fondly, producing a shiny black wooden guitar case from behind his back and laying it gently on Demyx’s lap. He fidgets with the hair in front of his face as Demyx carefully pops the latches and opens it up, gasping in shock. Nestled in plush velvet lining on the inside of what Demyx can tell is a high-quality case, is a custom black gloss acoustic guitar with the red heart insignia of Nightmare Requiem painted on its rounded body. It’s outlined in red finished wood and his initials are engraved at the top of the headstock. Demyx nearly cries.

He reverently picks the instrument out of the case and swipes his thumb along the engraving. Ienzo ducks his head and mumbles to the floor, “I know that you’re rather attached to your first guitar but you’ve complained several times lately about how old it’s getting. Since you’re starting to take your music in a different direction I thought you might like an upgrade.”

Demyx doesn’t have words. He settles the guitar in his lap and strums a few chords, finding it to be in perfect tune. Gently, he sets it back into the case and gets up to wrap his boyfriend in a fierce hug. “I thought you forgot,” he whispers tearfully as he squeezes him tight.

Ienzo tentatively wraps his arms around Demyx’s waist and lays his head on his chest, “I did lose track of time, and again I am terribly sorry, but I didn’t forget. I’ve had this for weeks.”

Demyx smiles and kisses his boyfriend’s head, “You always surprise me. I love it, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Happy Anniversary Demyx,” Ienzo closes his eyes and lets himself be hugged a little longer before pulling away, “We’d better go and eat the lovely food you’ve prepared before it gets cold.”

“Oh! Yeah, right,” Demyx shakes his head to free himself from the happy daze he’d drifted into with Ienzo in his arms.

They take their seats at the table and Ienzo delicately places a napkin in his lap before dipping his spoon into the soup. Demyx watches him carefully as he brings it to his mouth and slips his eyes closed, “This is delicious, you’ve outdone yourself.”

Demyx lets out a breath and smiles bashfully, “Aw, it was nothing, really. Sometimes I wish you’d let me buy you stuff for a change.”

Ienzo reaches across the table to briefly cover Demyx’s hand with his own, “I assure you this is all I need.”

They fall into easy conversation while they eat. Ienzo goes off on a passionate tangent about his research and Demyx is enthralled even though he only understands maybe every other word of what he says. Then Demyx fills an adorably patient Ienzo in on all the drama going on with his band and the mess his best friend is causing for himself—even though he knows he doesn’t really care about such trivial things.

“I thought even Lea had a little more sense than that,” Ienzo scoffs when he finishes the story.

Demyx sips at his water, “Maybe Lea does, but ‘Axel’ sure doesn’t.”

 “I suppose I can see—” Ienzo is cut off by his phone ringing loudly from the inside of his pocket. He fishes it out and glares at the screen for a moment before looking over apologetically, “I’m sorry, I need to take this. If you’ll excuse me for a moment.”

He doesn’t wait for Demyx’s nod before he stands and puts the phone to his ear. As he walks by on the way toward the back of the house Demyx can hear the shrill voice of Even on the line. That guy really didn’t have anything better to do than ruin everyone else’s day. Apparently he was some brilliant researcher, but the only side of him Demyx ever got to see was the cold, pushy, asshole that talked down to Ienzo like he was still nine years old.

He can hear yelling from the study, and he doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out what was going on. Demyx grows cold as Ienzo storms back into the room a few minutes later looking ready to take someone’s eye out with a sharpened pencil. He doesn’t sit back down, just stands beside Demyx with his head bowed.

“I’m so sorry Demyx but I have to go. Even thinks he’s finally cracked the formula and is demanding everyone come back to the lab to run tests,” he looks completely defeated and still so, so, tired.

Demyx sighs, trying to resist the urge to flip the table over, “It can’t wait until tomorrow?”

“Not if I don’t want all the credit for my contribution to the project reduced to little more than a footnote in the citations,” Ienzo grumbles angerly.

“He can’t do that to you.”

“He can, and he would.”

“But Ansem—”

“Is far too busy to hear me whine about the way Even runs his lab,” Ienzo bitterly cuts him off, then dips to place a soft kiss on his cheek, “I will make this up to you, I promise.”

Normally a kiss like that would send his heart flying to the moon, since it was about the equivalent of a steamy make-out session in Ienzo language, but right now Demyx just feels hollow. Ienzo stomps out of the house and slams the door, leaving him to sit alone with everything he’d worked so hard to prepare.

This was just Demyx’s life now; always doomed to come in second to the only thing Ienzo actually loved. 

He stands and casts a longing look to the case still laying on the couch in the living room. You don’t buy a gift like that for someone you don’t actually care about, right? Then again, Ienzo did have more money than he knew what to do with thanks to the generous salary granted to him by his mentor and adoptive father. It was a beautiful guitar, but it still could never be a substitute for what Demyx actually wanted. Sighing, he clears the plates from the table and goes to clean up the mess he’d made in the kitchen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Demyx sings in this chapter is 'Thinking Out Loud' by Ed Sheeran. 
> 
> Also I'm basic and the symbol of Nightmare Requiem is the heartless emblem.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this one guys.

It was nearing 12am on a Sunday night and Ienzo still wasn’t home. He’d been so tired earlier trying to get himself ready at some ridiculous hour of the morning that he’d nearly tried to comb his hair with a toothbrush, but he was still refusing to take a day off. Demyx and Ienzo had barely spoken more than a few words to each other since their anniversary, and every single one of their conversations had been nothing but Demyx begging for Ienzo to take more time to rest only to get shut down and pushed aside.

The front door finally opens and Demyx watches sadly from the couch as Ienzo practically falls into the room and struggles to close and lock the door. It takes him several minutes to tug off his shoes, and he doesn’t even acknowledge Demyx sitting there before stumbling back to their bedroom and collapsing in bed still fully clothed.

Demyx stands and follows after him, but his boyfriend is already snoring softly on top of their blankets before he makes it into the room. He really wished he still found the sight as adorable as he had the first time it happened just over a week ago, but now he could only be concerned. He walks quietly over to the bed and softly strokes Ienzo’s hair to wake him enough that he can be coaxed under the covers. Ienzo sleepily mumbles something Demyx can’t understand before burrowing into the pillows and falling straight back to sleep. Normally, this would be the part where Demyx dutifully finds his phone to make sure it’s charged and that all his alarms are set for the morning, but enough is enough.

Instead he walks to Ienzo’s nightstand and turns off every one of the three alarm clocks that are set within five minutes of each other. He finds the phone buried deep in the center of the bag his boyfriend carries with him everywhere and shuts it off before plugging it in on the opposite end of the room. He finds a dark sheet in the back of their tiny linen closet and carefully hangs it over their bedroom window before kissing Ienzo’s head and leaving the room. He makes himself comfortable on the couch, then pulls out his own phone and dials up Ansem’s answering service to leave a cheerful and polite message saying that his son isn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming in to the lab tomorrow.

Ienzo wasn’t going to thank him for this, but it was for his own good. 

When he wakes up the next morning and goes to check on him, Ienzo is thankfully still asleep. Demyx cooks breakfast and otherwise keeps himself occupied for the morning as usual, trying to keep himself convinced that he’d done the right thing. He really hoped his boyfriend wouldn’t be too mad at him, but he was still preparing himself for one of Ienzo’s patented tongue-lashings that tended to cut right to the bone, and left him nursing his pride for days afterward. At least he would have slept a little beforehand; Demyx wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle an upset Ienzo’s tired and unfiltered brain.

It’s nearly 2pm before he starts hearing movement coming from the bedroom. Demyx winces as he hears his boyfriend curse wildly and slam open the bedroom door to march his way down the hall.

“Demyx do you have any idea what time it is!?! Why would you let me sleep this long? I was supposed to be at the lab nine hours ago! Even’s going to boil my head in a vat of corrosive acid and harvest my organs for sport,” Ienzo looks absolutely frantic, but at least the cloudy haze has faded from his eye and he seems to have a little more energy. Demyx will call that a win, no matter what happens.

“Whoa, calm down a little. I called the lab last night and told them you weren’t coming in today. You’ve been dead on your feet for the past week babe. I know you didn’t want to but you’re not going to be any good to anyone if you keep killing yourself like you have been,” Demyx explains softly.

Ienzo’s visible eye widens, then narrows, and his voice goes cold, “You did WHAT? How dare you do such a thing without my consent?”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. You barely slept in months as it was, and ever since this breakthrough you’ve become a literal member of the living dead. I couldn’t just sit by and let you keep accidently pouring orange juice on your cereal and miss-buttoning every single one of your shirts. They can live without you for a day,” Demyx crosses his arms and stares at his boyfriend, refusing to back down from his decision.

“That’s just it, isn’t it? I simply cannot afford to let myself start to seem complacent now that we’re reaching the end of our goal. It’s bad enough that I wasn’t there when the formula was finally cracked and now you’re expecting me to just lie down and leave the rest of the work to the other researchers? They already believe me to be working outside my own capability simply because of my affiliations with Ansem. You have no idea the damage you’ve just caused to my reputation,” Ienzo’s voice is scathing and Demyx cowers under his glare.

Demyx stands from the couch and walks over to Ienzo, “Don’t you think you might be taking this a little too far? You’ve been working with these guys since you were a kid right? They know how brilliant you are, and how hard you’re willing to work.  From what you’ve told me they were getting nowhere with the project before you came along.  If taking a single day off for the sake of your own health is going to change the way they think of you that much then maybe you should start looking for somewhere else to work.”

Ienzo takes a step back as Demyx tries to come closer to him and crosses his arms defensively, “Do not forget that you’re speaking of one of the most prestigious groups of researchers in the entire country. My own intelligence is a drop in a pond compared to the things these men are capable of, and I am _extremely_ lucky to be able to count myself among them. Without them I would have nothing; I would _be_ nothing.”

“You would have me,” Demyx sighs softly.

Ienzo scoffs, “Oh isn’t that fantastic? We could run away and become penniless vagrants begging for food on street corners. You play the guitar, I’ll learn to tap-dance, and maybe we’ll earn enough to barely fend off starvation.”

Bringing up the struggle with his music career was a low blow, and Demyx recoils a little from the sting. Still, he presses on, determined to get through to his boyfriend, “At least we’d be together. Maybe you might even start smiling again.”

“You want to see me smile? Then stop imposing your own ideas into my life and just let me be. I’m completely satisfied the way things are,” Ienzo glares and turns around, ready to retreat into his study and see what he could salvage of the day.

Demyx grabs his hand to stop him from leaving, “You’re satisfied, but what about me?”

“Pardon?” Ienzo tugs his hand out of Demyx’s grip and spins around to face him.

Demyx winces like he’d just been slapped across the face and his eyes are watery when he opens them again, “What about me Ienzo? Does my happiness mean nothing to you at all? Does it matter to you that it’s _killing_ me to watch you sacrifice everything for the sake of this project? Do you even care that we haven’t spent more than an hour together in like two months? Don’t you miss our relationship at all?”

Ienzo’s glare softens. He reaches out one of his arms but quickly aborts the action and lets it fall back to his side, “D-Demyx, I—"

They stand there staring at each other in silence before Demyx sighs, “You know, I knew when we first got together that I was never going to come first in your life. I thought I could be ok with that. At least in second place I’d still get to be around you. I’d get to hold you, and watch you, and listen to you talk. I fell in love with you because you have such a different view about the world Ienzo, and you’re so passionate that you make me feel like anything is possible.”

He smiles wistfully and takes a shuddering breath before continuing, “I guess…..I was hoping that maybe one day you might feel like that for me. That one day thinking of me might light you up the way thinking about chemical reactions, or whatever, does. But there is no second place with you, is there? It’s science or nothing, and I’m probably just wasting my time.”

Ienzo shakes his head, “That’s not—”

“Answer me honestly Ienzo, do you love me? Even just a little?”

Ienzo freezes, his eye going wide. For a while he just stands there staring off into space until he bows his head and whispers so softly Demyx can barely hear, “I—I don’t know.”

Demyx’s world grinds to a sudden and painful stop. His chest tightens, and breathing becomes a chore he doesn’t know if he even wants to bother with anymore. This wasn’t new information—he had known exactly what the answer would be when he’d asked that question—so why did it hurt so bad to finally hear Ienzo say it?

“I guess I am just an idiot after all,” he mutters to himself. His entire body feels heavier than he can carry as he turns around and shuffles over to the basement door. He can’t stay in this room anymore; it was better to do what Ienzo wanted and leave him alone.

Ienzo watches him blankly as he brushes past, but doesn’t move to try and stop him or even say anything further. It isn’t until Demyx has a hand on the doorknob that he seems to register what’s happening.  “Demyx wait! Please let me—” Ienzo breathlessly cuts himself off in the middle of his own sentence.

Demyx waits for him to continue, but when all he gets is heavy breathing after several minutes he opens the basement door and starts down the stairs, “You don’t have to explain. I already knew.”

“Please I—” Ienzo sounds pained and desperate, but he still isn’t actually doing anything to try and stop him.

Pathetic as he is, Demyx almost turns around. He almost runs back to wrap Ienzo in his arms and force them both to be OK, his own feelings be damned. He grabs on to the stair rail and uses it to forcibly hold himself in place, gritting his teeth to keep himself from looking back.

“Just go to work, that’s where you really want to be right now anyway. I’ll be alright,” he waves Ienzo off and continues down the stairs and into the garage. Only when he’s sure he won’t be heard does he finally break down. He grabs the guitar Ienzo gave him for their anniversary and holds it to his chest, curling up in the corner under the hand-painted tapestry of his band’s symbol.

His feelings may be stupid, but he couldn’t ignore them anymore. Ienzo didn’t love him, and he probably wasn’t ever going to. All of his pointless hoping and dreaming wasn’t ever going to change that; the only thing he could do now was cry.  

When his tears run out he stands and gently lays the guitar back inside the case. He knows what has to happen.

-

Ienzo is still rooted to his spot in the living room when Demyx comes back up the stairs. He can see that he’s carrying something heavy, but his mind is still unhelpfully blank and refusing to process anything but the looping memory of Demyx’s pleading voice.

  _“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

Demyx is walking back to their bedroom with tears streaming down his face. Ienzo hears some heavy thudding sounds and the rustling of cloth. He wants to move but his feet are fused into the hardwood and his arms have turned into little more than leaden weights at his sides.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

Demyx walks back toward the basement holding an object to his ear. He’s speaking into the device but Ienzo can’t register the words. After some time he puts the thing in his pocket and walks back over. His mouth moves, his arms gesture, and there are still tears leaking from his eyes. Ienzo knows this conversation is important, but it feels like his head is underwater and the sounds aren’t making sense.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

Demyx stops speaking and stares him down like he’s waiting for an answer, but Ienzo’s voice seems to be absent along with the rest of his faculties. When he opens his mouth to try and utter even a single word no sound escapes. Demyx starts shaking and vanishes back down the stairs carrying two heavy bags.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

Loud clanging is heard coming from the basement. Ienzo’s heart has kicked into overdrive and he’s having trouble trying to regulate his breathing. Something terrible is happening but he can’t get a grasp on what, why, or how. His head is aching and his vision starts to blur. He crumples to the floor.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

A horn sounds from outside and Ienzo manages to drag himself up from the ground. At the window he watches with mild interest as someone crosses his driveway from the garage and starts loading bags and other strangely shaped cases into the back of a van parked on the curb. The person and the driver of the van haul things into the vehicle until nothing else will fit inside and water starts to run down Ienzo’s face. He doesn’t know why.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

“Don’t go,” someone whispers as the two people climb into the van. The voice sounds like his own. They drive away and an intense pain blooms in the center of Ienzo’s chest. He staggers and stumbles his way through the house and into the back room. There’s a guitar laying on the bed, and for some reason it becomes hard to breathe again.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

He manages to get into the bed and curl up alongside the guitar. He swipes his thumb over an engraving at the top and his throat clamps shut, painful sobs wracking through his entire body. It doesn’t take long for exhaustion to overcome him and send him into a fitful sleep.

  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for episodes of disassociation

 

The sterile white walls of his lab are a welcome sight after the past two days. Ienzo steps through the main door and deeply inhales the harsh antiseptic scent, sighing in relief. He’s home. It’s fascinating how quickly his mind shifts from the disjointed mess it had fallen into after Demyx’s departure back into its normal, logical, structure. This isn’t a place for emotion; it’s a place for reason. He’s glad at least something inside of him still understands that memo.

The soles of his boots squeaking on the freshly waxed floor is music to his ears, and he regains confidence with every step he takes. His personal life may be in ruins but here, at least, he was untouchable. The facade of content lasts for the entire way back to his research area, until he walks in the door only to have every eye in the room immediately fixed on him.

He does his best to continue to appear calm and collected, but he’d never performed very well under public scrutiny and he had little doubt that he actually looked anything other than desperate to run back out the door. Heads turn as he walks to the closet to put on his lab coat and follow as he moves to his work station to set his things down and boot up his computer.

Angry footsteps march his way from the back of the room, and Ienzo feels the signs of an impending headache. He was really hoping he would have at least five minutes of peace before this happened. Even stalks into view, planting himself in front of Ienzo’s desk, and a hush of morbid curiosity falls over the room.

Even glares at Ienzo and slams his hands on top of the desk, “Just where have you been, _boy_? We reach the most pivotal point in our research and you decide to take a vacation? Just who do you think you are?”

Ienzo barely contains a wince at the shrill rasping of Even’s voice and doesn’t look up from his computer, “I was ill, I apologize you weren’t informed.”

“Oh I was informed, but I for one am not nearly as gullible as our aging benefactor. I believe there was something else at play here; an impromptu holiday with that heathen partner of yours perhaps?” Even raises one of his thin eyebrows and leans forward to examine Ienzo’s expression, clearly enjoying his chance to taunt him in front of the entire lab.

It takes everything Ienzo has not to jump up and strike Even across the face with one of the thick textbooks piled on the side of his desk. The mere mention of Demyx dries his mouth and threatens to disrupt his mental process once again, but thankfully he’d been prepared this time and was able to reign himself in.

He glares over at Even and barely recognizes his own deadly voice when he’s able to form words, “My personal life isn’t your concern, and even if it was you would be severely out of line. I regret my absence, but do not owe you any details as to cause of it. Now if you’ll kindly leave me be, I have a lot to catch up on.”

Even opens his mouth to retaliate but is silenced by a meaty hand gripping his shoulder as a warning. He glances behind him to see Aeleus’ stern face very obviously telling him to stand down. Even huffs arrogantly, but even he wasn’t bold enough to risk the consequence of provoking the hulking giant into action.

 “I won’t forget this,” he declares haughtily before turning on his heels and slithering back where he came from.

“Of course you won’t,” Ienzo mutters under his breath once he’s out of earshot. Now deprived of their entertainment, the other researchers quickly resume their work while whispering to each other excitedly about the bits of gossip gained from the short conversation. Intellectuals were often times worse than housewives where the rumor mill was concerned.

Ienzo shoots Aeleus a grateful smile and the man nods in return before returning to his own work station. Thank goodness he’d intervened, that situation would have gotten ugly very quickly otherwise. Ever since Ansem had assigned Ienzo to work directly under Even on this project the man had been ruthlessly critical of his every move.

Even didn’t believe that Ienzo deserved the position he was in, and made it a point to let him know about it as often as possible. In the older man’s mind, Ienzo hadn’t struggled nearly long or hard enough to warrant his placement almost at the top of the lab’s metaphorical food chain. He was greatly offended that a person nearly half his age had almost the same amount of professional standing and respect he’d worked his entire life to obtain.

Ienzo could see where he was coming from to a certain degree, but it wasn’t as if he hadn’t _earned_ his spot. He’d traded in his entire childhood for the pursuit of higher education; a regiment that had stressed him to the point of breaking more than once. Growing up he’d had no friends, no social life, no free time; just endless hours of working and studying that paid off in the form of a bachelor’s degree in biological engineering at age fourteen, followed by a doctorate at age twenty. In fact, it had been _his_ dissertation that sparked the project to begin with.

He would never say he was anything less than incredibly lucky to be where he was today, especially considering he’d started out as a pitiful orphan, but to say he hadn’t paid his dues was far from the truth. Yes, it was true that the lab’s Deputy Director had been guardian since the age of six. Yes, there was a questionable amount of nepotism involved in Ansem strong-arming his way onto the doctorate board for the presentation of his dissertation—despite all of Ienzo’s arguments against him doing so. Neither of these things changed the fact that Ienzo had poured every ounce of his being into his work and was validated by some of the brightest minds in the entire country.

Having Even act like he was undeserving of his station after he’d just sacrificed the only thing in his _life_ that he’d ever tried to take for himself was something he just couldn’t tolerate. He could feel his mind trying to drift away once again, and had to grasp the handles of his chair and formally regulate his breathing to keep himself grounded. He could not do this here. He was already ashamed enough that it was still happening at all.

These dissociative panic episodes of his were supposed to have been cured years ago, and this was the worst possible time for him to relapse. Hadn’t he already suffered through enough of them as a child? He holds tight to his chair as he fights to stay in touch with reality. No, time has not slowed down. No, he is not being trapped behind a wall of glass. No. No. No…

A strong hand on his shoulder startles him back to awareness. Ever attentive to his needs, Aeleus stands behind him. He’s obviously concerned, but knows Ienzo well enough not to make a scene. “I could use your assistance in specimen storage, if you can spare the time,” he speaks evenly, not betraying any hints that something could be wrong.

Ienzo nods and stands on his slightly shaking legs to follow Aeleus out of the room. He’s lead not to the specimen area, but to the private lounge they use to take breaks between long periods of work. There is a separate room in the back with a couple of cots for napping in, and Aeleus guides him to sit on one of them while he posts himself in front of the door to make sure they aren’t disturbed.

Finally, Ienzo is able to relax. He shuts his eyes and uses the quiet of the room and the feel of the rough wool blanket under his hands to force his wandering thoughts back into submission. He is safe, he is needed, he is present.

When the episode finally passes he re-opens his eyes. Aeleus is still standing cross-armed with his back to the door and watching him carefully. He asks a simple question with his eyes when he notices Ienzo seems to have come back to himself and receives a firm nod as an answer. Relieved, he relaxes his posture and joins Ienzo next to the cot.

“It’s happening again?” he states more than asks. Ienzo doesn’t need to answer, he just keeps his eyes fixed on the floor and looks for patterns in the tile to keep himself calm.  Aeleus studies him for a moment before speaking again, “Is something wrong?”

Ienzo scoots back against the wall and draws his knees up to his chest, breathing deeply. “Demyx left,” he mumbles into his hair as he rests his head upon them.

Aeleus sighs and bows his head, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he snaps, “it was my own doing.”

“What happened?”

Ienzo draws in to himself further, “He asked me a question I couldn’t give a proper answer to, and then—this.” The larger man reaches out toward him, but thankfully aborts the motion before actually coming into contact. He silently apologizes, then waits for Ienzo to continue.

“I don’t understand Aeleus, this was supposed to be over,” his voice is watery, and he can feel his shoulders starting to shake.

The stoic man is quiet for a few moments while Ienzo breaks before gently speaking up again, “The doctors did warn that stressful events could cause symptoms to return. We’ve all been under terrible amounts of pressure with this project, and I can hypothesize that whatever question you were asked acted as a breaking point.”

Ienzo lets the information digest before speaking again, “He asked me if I loved him.”

“And you said?”

“I told him that I didn’t know,” he buries his face into his hands and  shakes his head back and forth, fighting against the memory of the endless loop of Demyx’s broken spirit repeating the question in his head over and over.

Stunned, Aeleus falters in his response, “I see…..were you truthful?”

Ienzo lifts his head, “Of course. Demyx deserves my honesty, at the very least. It’s one of the only things I was able to give him.”

Aeleus nods, “So the episode was the result of an emotional question that you didn’t know how to answer.”

“As I’ve never exactly been fluent with emotions, I would assume so,” he grumbles.

The other man thinks for a while, “Then it would stand to reason that finding an answer would help alleviate the symptoms.”

Ienzo unfurls himself and moves to sit properly on the cot again, more thankful than he could ever express for Aeleus’ calm understanding. He scoots a little closer to his friend and colleague and the man takes the hint for what it was and places a hand on Ienzo’s shoulder, squeezing gently.

He smiles up at him and softly nuzzles the hand with his cheek, “I’m afraid I wouldn’t know where to even begin.”

“I suppose the easiest way would be to first identify the reasons you can’t give a conclusive answer.”

Ienzo pauses, “That part I actually do have some understanding of. I can’t say whether or not I love Demyx because I don’t know how to identify love—I would answer the same for all the people I’m close to. I care for them undoubtedly, but the line between compassion and love has never been clear.”

Aeleus stiffens and goes quiet, “I can see where the difficulty lies.”

Ienzo nods, “It’s something I’ve been contemplating since the first time Demyx told me he loved me. I always wanted to ask him how he knew—” he trails off sadly before bowing his head, “Now it’s too late.”

Aeleus squeezes his shoulder again and they both fall silent. Ienzo pulls away and turns to directly face the other man, “Aeleus, have you ever been in love?”

The giant’s eyes widen and he coughs once into his fist, “I believe Dilan could give a better answer. He’s the only one of us that was ever married.”

“I will ask him, but you’ve avoided the question,” he looks up at Aeleus, silently pleading for an answer.

He looks deeply into Ienzo’s honest and curious eye and hesitates a moment before speaking, “I thought I was, once, a very long time ago. Honestly Ienzo, I don’t know if anyone can give a definitive answer on what exactly love is. I believe it’s a feeling only your heart can define.”

Ienzo freezes for a moment. ‘Listen to your heart’ was the last answer he’d been anticipating from a strict man of science. Apparently he was even further than he thought from learning how to identify love.  “I’ll take that into consideration,” he mumbles and reaches a hand up to stroke it through the hair in front of his face while he files away the stream of questions and inferences he just doesn’t have the time to deal with at the moment.

Aeleus looks down at him fondly, just the barest hint of a smile on his chiseled face, “I trust you to find your own answer.”

Ienzo can’t help but smile. Aeleus’ soft encouragement filled him with a warmth that was still as comforting today as it was when he was still a small child struggling to cope with the death of his parents. Sad as it was, he might be the only person aside from Demyx he considered a true friend.  

“Thank you Aeleus, for everything,” he briefly covers a large hand with his own, marveling at how tiny it looked in comparison even nearly two decades later.

Aeleus’ smile widens just a little, “You’re welcome.”

Drained as he is from the episode, Ienzo wants nothing more than to curl up against the man’s side and take a nap, but it’s been far too long since such a thing was permissible. Instead he attempts to smooth some of the wrinkles out of his slacks, “I suppose we’d better get back before Even notices we’re gone.”

“Are you certain you’re up to it?” Aeleus still sounds worried, though with the circumstances Ienzo supposes he has every right to be.

He sighs, “I have to.”

Aeleus looks at him like he isn’t pleased with the answer, but doesn’t say anything when he stands and walks toward the door. They return to the main room in silence, but Aeleus stops him before they go in.

“Ienzo, please don’t take everything Even says to heart. He may not know how to act like it, but he does respect your work and only pushes you so hard because he thinks you can handle it. I suppose it’s just hard for him to accept you growing up.”

Ienzo pauses with his hand on the door, “Thank you for saying that, but I’m not sure I can believe it.” Aeleus squeezes his shoulder one last time before they both walk in the door and return to work.

Thankfully, the rest of the day passes without any further incident that didn’t involve their research. As Ienzo packs his things and prepares to leave for the day an unfamiliar sense of dread settles over him.  This would be the first time in three years that he would be returning to his house without Demyx there waiting for him.

He forces himself to finish up and lock the lab for the night. Him refusing to leave would probably end up as more of a topic for conversation than him not showing up at all. As he’s slowly waking to his car he spots the silhouette of a person waiting near the place he’d parked. His panic levels rise but he continues on all the same; surely he’d already been spotted and it was too late to turn around.

When he reaches the car the figure waves at him absently. Now that he’s a little closer he can recognize the person as one of the members of Demyx’s band that is over at his house every week. His heart aches with the reminder that this would no longer be the case.

“Glad to see you’re still with us, shortcake,” the man rasps out.

Ienzo blinks, “Why would I not be?”

The man laughs and gives an exaggerated shrug, “I don’t know, with all the blubbering Dem’s been doing in my living room I figured whatever happened might have gotten to you both, but I should have known it would take more than that to phase you.”

His heart-rate spikes again, “Demyx is with you?”

“Uh, duh. Didn’t you see me pick him up? I know you were watching from the window,” the man smirks, stretching the scar on the left side of his face. If nothing else, he certainly _looked_ like he belonged in a metal band.

Ienzo flounders for a second, not exactly sure how to explain that he hadn’t actually been able to fully comprehend what he’d been witnessing. Eventually he decides that he doesn’t actually owe this person, who is little more than a stranger, anything, “I—I’m glad he’s safe.”

The man regards him strangely with his single golden eye before shaking his head, “You’re one weird dude, you know.”

He shrugs, more than used to comments like this by now, “I’ve been told.” He’s given another incredulous look and something about the expression finally sparks him into remembering the man’s name, “So, what brings you here Braig?”

“Dem asked if I would come by and beg your permission to use the garage for one last practice since we’ve got a show on Saturday and no way to get another space before then,” Braig flashes him a look that seems to gleefully dare him into trying to make him beg.

Ienzo does not take the bait, “Just asking is enough. You’re all welcome to use the garage whenever you need as long as the typical rules apply.”

He’s given a skeptical glance, “That easy? Dem made it sound like I’d need to offer you my first born child or something.”

Ienzo is hurt that Demyx would ever think of him that way. Had he really been so cold as to appear uncaring of his partners’ passion? He shakes his head sadly, “Contrary to popular belief, I’m not heartless. I know how important this band is to him.”

Braig still seems a little shocked, but he smiles anyway, “Alright then, mission complete.”

 He turns and walks away without another word. Ienzo lets him get part of the way across the parking lot before forcing himself into motion to go catch up with him,  “Wait! I, um— how’s he doing?”

Braig stops and thinks for a moment before shrugging again, “It ain’t pretty right now, but he’ll be alright. That guy can bounce back from just about anything, I’ve seen it happen.”

“As have I,” Ienzo whispers. As much as he doesn’t want Demyx to be hurt, it’s still painful to think of him even having the ability to move on without him. He fidgets for a while, trying to think of something else to say that wouldn’t sound desperate or contrite. He gives up after a few seconds, “I suppose I should let you get going now.”

Braig lets out a mocking laugh, “That’s it? No desperate plea for him to come back home or anything?”

Ienzo sags his shoulders and shakes his head, “He made his decision; I have to respect it.”

“If you say so dude,” He laughs again and starts to walk away ,

Ienzo turns around and takes a few steps toward his car before stopping to call out over his shoulder, “Just one more thing?”

Braig hesitates, “Yeah?”

“The show on Saturday, where is it?”

He scoffs, “Some fruity bar in the city. Hollow Bastion is the name I think?”

He immediately files the information into the place in his brain that actually tries to care about things other than work,  “I see, thank you. Tell Demyx I said—” he pauses before sighing and turning his head away, “good luck.”

“Whatever. Later.” He doesn’t see the wave Braig gives him as he walks away.

The walk back to his car seems tortuously slow with how fast his mind is moving trying to process the conversation. Mostly, he’s just doesn’t understand why Demyx would send someone else for such a menial question instead of asking himself. He gets so locked inside his own mind that he doesn’t register when he climbs into the car and starts the engine, and awareness doesn’t return him until he feels sand beneath his feet and water lapping at his ankles. He had taken himself to the beach.

He inhales the salty air deeply and shuts his eyes against the painful rush of memories associated with the scent. Demyx had always loved the water; he would wax poetic for hours about mystery of the ocean and the serenity of waves. Metaphors always had the tendency to go over Ienzo’s head, but Demyx always sounded so enraptured while watching the tides that he had no choice but to listen.

_“Water is deep and calm. Vital, yet deadly. Happy to support great weight upon its surface, while still pulling under those who don’t treat it with respect.”_

Demyx had never considered himself an intellectual, yet in those quiet moments was wiser almost than any person Ienzo had ever known. He always wondered if Demyx had been speaking of more than just the water when he was saying those things, but had always felt too foolish to ask. Perhaps he had been trying to teach a lesson Ienzo had been too scared to even try and understand. Maybe Demyx had been trying to tell him about his love.

Ienzo sits down on the sand just out of reach of the water and pulls his knees to his chest, watching as the waves continue to crash along the beach. If Demyx’s capacity for love was as deep as the ocean, his own emotion must have seemed like a tide-pool in comparison. He couldn’t really blame him for not wanting to stay around.

He shuts his eyes and places a hand on his chest, quietly begging it for help on where he should go from there. The only thing that surfaces is Demyx’s voice.

_“Ienzo, do you love me?”_

He really needed a better answer.

 


End file.
